On Not feeling Ready To Recover Yet

"But I don't feel ready to recover yet."

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this, I wouldn't have had any student debt left to pay off.

People with eating disorders often put off recovery because they don't feel ready, expecting that some day, they will. There are a lot of things that is wise to put off until we are ready. Getting kids or marrying, for example. For everyone involved, wait until you are ready. Then there are a few things that should not be put off "until we are ready". Going to the dentist, for example. You would not tell someone with an aching (and growing) cavity to put off going to the dentist until they are ready, would you? You know that if they don't go, they cavity will only grow and worsen. You know that they probably do not want to go to the dentist, but that they force themselves because they have to.

Recovery from an eating disorder falls into the same category as going to the dentist. You do not wait until you are ready - you just do it regardless, because you have to. Here is the thing with eating disorder recovery: if you wait until you feel fully ready, chances are you will wait forever. You have to JUMP.

People waste months, years, decades, waiting for the "perfect moment" to recover. Truth is, there is no such thing. Your ED will always find a reason why you should put off recovery just a bit longer. It sells you the idea that one day, you will somehow wake up feeling different. In reality, you feel different by acting different. You can not think yourself out of recovery, you have to act yourself out of it. Every day. No matter how ready or motivated you feel.

I say this a lot, but my lightbulb moment was realizing there is no light bulb moment.

For so long, I was waiting for that magic future moment where I would feel "ready". It never happened. I did not feel "ready" when I started recovery, I just felt fed up. A lot of the time I doubted the process, and missed the safety and predictability of the eating disorder. If I were to rely on my motivation I would not have recovered, because motivation is by default unpredictable. Recovery can not be done only on the good days, in fact recovery is truly cemented on the bad days.

I was not always motivated to recover, but I was determined. Relying on determination over motivation is absolutely key in recovery. Motivation is like the weather; enjoy the sunshine when it comes, yet don't stop living just because it's raining. Get an umbrella.

You can not control your thoughts and feelings, but you can control your actions. Your actions will eventually affect your thoughts and feelings. Trust that by doing what feels wrong, it will eventually feel right. Trust the process, and whatever the eating disorder tells you to do, do the opposite.

If not now, then when?