You Are Not A Unicorn

When someone is in recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, they need a lot of food. Still, the sufferer may have a hard time believing and accepting this, no matter how much data is provided and how many people in recovery share their stories. The sufferer is often convinced that they are rare unicorns, whom the law of energy does not apply to. These delusions get confirmed by the sufferer because they often gain weight rapidly in early recovery despite eating a low amount of calories. The rapid initial weight gain happens due to a few factors; suppressed metabolism, weight from the food itself (100 grams apple still weighs 100 grams when inside you), and in many cases also water retention (which can be upwards several kilos). The person in recovery might draw the conclusion that increasing their calories will cause more them to gain more weight, faster. This is not how the human body works when in recovery from malnutrition.

When you increase your intake, your metabolism speeds up. This is plain science, yet the person in recovery often has a hard time accepting that science relate to them too. In their minds, they are unicorns. I thought too when I started recovery. I was desperate to find proof that I was not. I screened the web for more proof and sources. And I found it. And I experienced it.

Your body is a smart machine. It does everything to keep you alive. When you starve yourself, your BMR (basal metabolic rate, the amount of calories you burn by just staying alive) drops. Proper menstruation, building your bones, growing your hair, keeping you warm etc? The body simply do not have the energy. The tiny amount of energy it does gets is used to keep you alive while trying to store some energy as fat for later use.

Despite a frugal intake, your body still needs energy. Solution? It ends up eating itself; body fat, bones, organ tissue and muscles. You don’t only lose body fat, your whole body slims down. A slimmed down, shrunk heart is very often seen in starved people. Remember, your heart is a muscle. When you gain weight, you also gain these things back, if you give your body enough energy to do it. Once again, your body is smart and body fat is important. Body fat is not excess weight, it is a living hormone producing organ.

Your body's first priority when you start recovery is gaining body fat to protect inner organs, keep you warm and to have something to “eat from” the next time you starve it. That is what your body think you will do. It has big trust issues. If you do not feed it enough it will not trust you, because even though you gain weight you are still maintaining the state of undernourishment.

In early recovery it's recommended to increase your intake gradually to lower the risk of re-feeding syndrome. Some people start as low as 1200 calories, and slowly increase until they reach 2500-3000 and above. The best is to have medical supervision in form of a doctor, psychologist and/or dietician, and perhaps a meal plan. Also, in recovery, 3500 excess calories does not mean 1 pound. Your body is not a calculator. Chances are you need way more.

Non-eating disordered people have not done damage for hundreds of thousands of calories that needs hundreds of thousands of calories to be fixed. When they eat a higher amount of calories, it goes to weight gain. When a person with a past of restriction eats a higher amount of calories it goes to both repair and some weight gain, both crucial, hormone producing body fat to protect your organs, give you back your period (if you have lost it or ever had it) keep you warm, and muscle repair and gain (during starvation we lose a lot of muscles).

The most important place to save body fat is around your inner organs for protection. This is why your body tend to gain slightly more weight on the stomach than for instance on your back. Your body does not know that this is many eating disordered people’s worst nightmare. Your body does not read Vogue and Sports illustrated. Just to make it worse, bloating and water retention can make you look pregnant. The good news? When you feed your body enough, and it starts trusting you, the weight will even out. But once again, if you starve it during recovery, your body will be more cautious about evening out weight gain.

So what should you do? Listen to your therapist/doctor/doctor/hunger and eat enough every single day no matter what your eating disorder tells you. If you experience extreme hunger and "overeat", it is not because you are an emotional eater and will develop binge eating disorder, but because your body does everything it can to get the energy it desperately need.

Have you noticed how you suddenly became obsessed by baking, cooking, food blogs, nutrition and cute spoons? Your body thinks foodfoodfood. I am sorry to break it to you, but your newfound baking skills might be a side effect of malnutrition. Same with your obsession with eating healthy. It is control, not an aim for eternal youth and good health. If it were, you would not have starved yourself and/or purged. Have you noticed how you get erotical fantasies about “forbidden” high calorie foods? How you get irresistible urges to binge? It is all about the malnutrition.

Good news: when you are recovered, hanging out with friends gets more interesting than staying home and making cinnamon buns for your family. You will probably fantasize about sex, not cake. You will read novels, not cooking books. You will measure the value of your life and yourself in events, love and smiles, not calories and weight. That is what recovery is all about.

But wait, the average calorie intake for a person is 2000-2200 calories!? Yes and no. The average person have not done damage for hundreds of thousands of calories that needs to be fixed. Also, the 2000-2200 intake is self reported. Most people underestimate their intake (but most ED-people overestimate). The caffe latte with sugar and cream, the extra handful of peanuts and the slice of cake offered at work are forgotten.The weird, but still completely logical outcome is that people in recovery who eats 3000 calories daily tend to gain even slower than those who eat 2000 calories. The 3000 calorie eater will also get some bonus features; more energy, better mood, faster repair of bones, organs, muscle. less binge eating and… night sweats. Unfortunately. But they will pass! People in inpatient recovery often needs a lot of calories compared to outpatient. Not because of the hospital walls, but because they get have no choice but eating 2500-3000+. Ask a person who has been inpatient and they can probably confirm. Also, if you eat 2800 calories, but go for runs and burn 800 calories, you are only getting 2000 calories and keep your body starved. Don't waste your precious energy on unnecessary exercise, it only breaks your body down.

Short summary; feel free to eat 2000 calories or less in recovery, but don't expect optimal recovery. Your metabolism is not destroyed, it is suppressed, and will be until you give it enough energy to fix it. Recovery is the time to take care of yourself and relax. Eat 2500-3000+ calories, and let your body do the job, it knows what it is doing. You will not regret it.

(Originally written in 2014 via Let's Recover @ Tumblr)